Behavioral Magnetics...

let's talk about what has probably

wrecked your relationships in the past

and wrecked many other things It's

probably the same thing that's drained

your mood and your energy levels in life

And maybe it's the one thing that made

you connect to the wrong people in

relationships or jobs or take the wrong

job in general or maybe just ruin your

sense of peace in life It's definitely

not random And I'm willing to bet pretty

good money that you've called it

intuition before In NCI we call this

behavioral

magnetics So we're not talking about

habits We're not talking about some kind

of a mindset We're talking about

something that I refer to personally as

emotional gravity What do I get like

pulled into what are the little gravity

vortexes that I get sucked into

emotionally it's the quiet thing that

tells your mind I need that thing even

if it's bad for me or even if it hurts I

need that thing even if it's bad for me

And the core of what I want you to get

from this is harsh So I'm going to start

with this this bottom line here and then

we're going to unpack a lot of this The

nervous system your nervous system does

not want what's healthy It wants what is

familiar So let's dissect what emotional

gravity means and what what that truly

is Humans are very predictable but it's

not because humans are stupid It's

because our nervous systems are very

very smart Your brain doesn't want new

things It wants old things that it

already knows how to survive This is why

somebody who grew up in absolute chaos

is going to feel bored when there's

peace This is exactly why somebody who

was ignored as a kid gets addicted to

people who give them no attention or

take their attention away on a very

regular basis It's why somebody you

probably know in your life uh was

constantly controlled as a kid and then

they start controlling everybody else

And what do they call it leadership When

they grow up they're not chasing what

feels good like you might think because

of needs decisions and values They're

chasing what feels like

home Even if home was hell they're still

chasing home So write this one down This

is how the system works If it feels

familiar it feels safe If it feels safe

then it becomes attractive If it's

attractive then it becomes

repeated Familiar safe attractive

repeated That's it So you're not

choosing you're

recycling People are not choosing

they're recycling And not all of these

emotional magnets or emotional gravity

traps look the same Some of them are

super loud and screaming Some of them

are very quiet whispering So I want to

take you through the four types that

you're going to see out there in the

wild even in yourself

And the first one is called the mirror

magnet This pulls you into and toward

people and environments that treat you

the way that you were treated growing up

If dad was really critical you're going

to find critical people If mom was

distant you're going to date somebody

who's emotionally three states away from

you Type two is the echo magnet This one

makes you just recreate pain to give you

the placebo that you're in control

That's all it is I'm going to

remanufacture pain so it feels familiar

which gives me a fake feeling of control

So this is when you choose burnout you

choose drama because at least you're the

one holding the match that lit the fire

this time And then we have something

called the reversal magnet And this one

kind of flip-flops the roles This one

flips it over So you become the thing

that hurt you If you felt powerless you

become the dominant one If you ever felt

invisible you take over every room

You're the loudest person in every room

This is not healing but it feels like

healing It's it's the placebo of feeling

better It's armor with a smile on it is

what it is It's not healing anything And

then we have type four the completion

magnet And this one's kind of sneaky

because you keep finding people in your

life who resemble the people who hurt

you Why would we do that because we hope

to God We pray this time I'm finally

going to get the love that I didn't get

back then I need to find that person so

I can learn how to control that type So

this is the every one of us probably

here tonight has an internal voice uh or

a friend with an internal voice that

says "You know what maybe they'll fix it

He's going to get better He's really

he's really working on himself now He's

going to he's going to start fixing all

those things." Everybody's got a friend

like that It's a trap It's a fantasy

It's Groundhog Day but with trauma

That's all it really is Let's dive into

these a little bit I want to give you a

a picture of some of these so you can

see what they look like in the real

world instead of some abstract

description of them

So when it comes to the mirror magnet

let's say we have this guy he's

mid4s great career really sharp

charismatic but every relationship ends

the same way He's drawn to that tone of

voice that disapproving tone of voice

what I would call passive disapproval

And it's not because he wants it it's

because it feels like his

mom He didn't like it when he was a kid

That's not what I'm saying

He hated it when he was a kid but it

taught him how to

love on a leash And now his little

compass is pointing to north and saying

"That feels like home Let's go to that

because it feels familiar It feels like

home." In a reversal scenario I

personally met a woman She used to be

really quiet gentle uh she got

steamrololled very constantly on a very

regular basis and now she leads a team

of 200 controls every decision keeps

people very much on edge she's

respected but no one's close to her at

all So she says she's just kind of like

I'm really just focused on work She's

not She's terrified She's scared The

part of her that was vulnerable got

punished So now she becomes the punisher

That's the reversal magnet She became

the threat so she would not feel

threatened again And it works It works

It's actually effective but it's

lonely And then we have the Let's do an

example of a completion magnet And this

one's kind of nasty Actually this this

goes back to a guy that I've coached one

time There's a guy I coached and has a

he's got a brilliant

mind amazing beautiful heart and he

keeps falling for these women who are

really chaotic like emotional hurricane

type of people And every time he's

trying to help he's trying to make her

get better so she's finally going to

love him

back And what he doesn't realize is he's

chasing his dad not his mom He's chasing

his dad through women So dad was

volatile never said "I love you." So now

he's on this lifelong quest to finally

be enough for someone just like dad So

his little script says "Find somebody

like dad and complete the process Then I

will complete this unresolved story arc

that's been going through my entire life

Not because it's good because it's

unfinished business What I told him is

like you are not dating women You're

dating the hope that this time the

monster becomes safe I'm going to make a

monster become safe That's all you're

doing You're not dating women I want you

to let this sink in really quick Just

because something pulls you in does not

mean that it's right for you It just

means that it matches your oldest pain

That's really what it is How do we break

this spell like what do we do to get out

of it what if our compass is pointing to

some dysfunctional toxic awful human

being or awful situation we have to

rewire

it Step one of this is to spot the loop

And a pretty easy question here is just

asking "What keeps happening that I say

I don't want but I keep allowing."

And then we get to step two and we want

to name the magnet It's a mirror or is

it echo is it reversal or is it

completion and then step three we want

to trace the original source So there's

three questions here Question one for

this step three is who taught you that

this was

normal two who and this is a big one

whose love came with

conditions and number three and this is

even deeper who in your life made you

feel that safety has a

cost like you had to invest something in

order to feel safe But then we get to

step four exposing the lie So the pull

that that we feel the the adrenaline

spike that's not chemistry that's

childhood So where is the lie that

happened in childhood that I'm

continuing today

and if you start going through some of

these transitions and un undoing and

unraveling it I want to tell you one

thing You have to go into this knowing

that peace will be absolutely unfamiliar

at first So let me just tell you that

the hardest part of doing any of this

work is peace doesn't feel

peaceful when your system is wired for

chaos It feels like disruption It feels

like something's around the corner It

feels like I don't deserve this What's

What's about to happen so peace is never

peaceful if you have a system that's

wired for

chaos It feels boring maybe like

something's missing like a let down But

that's the absence of adrenaline that's

going to trick you into coming back to

that gravity trap whatever you want to

call it the magnet You're not bored

you're healing through this process So

if you go through this it's not hard

Everything we're talking about the back

of your mind is going to be like "Yeah

yeah yeah I could do this but yeah it's

going to take like years It'll take 6

months It'll take me 19 days just to

walk through all these four questions

that Chase put out there." That's not

true It's easy If you don't think it's

easy you're bullshitting yourself

because you don't want to become a

little bit uncomfortable for a little

bit So don't expect peace to feel like

uh some hot tub

I want you to expect it to feel like

withdrawal You're detoxing from pain you

thought was love And what I can promise

you is that you don't have to figure all

of this stuff out right away You just

need to get honest on paper and where

it's out in front of you where you can

read it Let the truth show up even if it

feels uncomfortable And I would say that

is where freedom starts