Suck on This

you write in the book there is no faith

0:05

and no courage and no sacrifice in doing

0:08

what is

0:09

expedient what do you say to those

0:11

viewers that don't pursue their dreams

0:14

and are locked in their careers because

0:16

they're too afraid to take risks and

0:19

pursue something meaningful well the

0:21

first thing I would say is well you

0:23

should be afraid of taking risks and

0:25

pursuing something

0:26

meaningful but you should be more afraid

0:28

of staying where you are it's making you

0:33

miserable you're paying a price by

0:35

sitting there being miserable you might

0:37

say well the devil I know is better than

0:39

the one I don't it's like don't be so

0:41

sure of that the clock is ticking yeah

0:43

and if you're miserable in your job now

0:45

and you change nothing in 5 years you'll

0:47

be much more miserable and you'll be a

0:49

lot older but isn't it a luxury to

0:51

pursue what is Meaningful our viewers

0:53

have morees they have children they have

0:56

payments and Loans it's a luxury to

0:58

pursue because we we like to resources

1:00

well I don't think I don't remember now

1:02

I'm not talking about what makes you

1:04

happy it's a luxury to pursue what makes

1:06

you happy it's a moral obligation to

1:09

pursue what you find meaningful and that

1:11

doesn't mean it's easy it might require

1:13

sacrifice if you need to change your job

1:16

too let's say you have a family and and

1:18

and and children and and a mortgage you

1:20

have

1:21

responsibilities you've already picked

1:23

up those responsibilities you don't just

1:25

get to walk away scot-free say well I

1:27

don't like my job I quit that's no

1:29

stress strategy but what you might have

1:31

to do is you think well this job is

1:33

killing my soul all right so what do I

1:35

have to do about that well I have to

1:36

look for another job well no one wants

1:38

to hire me it's like okay maybe you need

1:41

to educate yourself more maybe you need

1:43

to update your your curriculum V your

1:45

resume maybe you need to overcome your

1:48

fear of being interviewed maybe you need

1:51

to sharpen your social skills like you

1:53

you have to think about these things

1:54

strategically if you're going to switch

1:56

careers you have to do it like an

1:58

intelligent responsible person that

2:00

might take you a couple of years of of

2:02

of effort to do

2:04

properly we're built for struggle us

2:07

human beings we're built to contend with

2:09

the world we're built to contend with

2:10

reality you want a challenge and the

2:13

best way that you can take on a

2:14

challenge because a challenge fortifies

2:16

you so you don't want to be secure you

2:18

want to be strong and you get strong by

2:20

taking on optimal challenges and so you

2:22

lay out your destiny in the world and

2:24

you take the slings and arrows of fate

2:26

and you make yourself stronger while

2:27

you're doing so and you might fail and

2:29

Fortune might do you in but it's your

2:32

best bet and you know people have have

2:34

extracted unbelievable successes out of

2:37

catastrophic failures and so and I'm not

2:39

saying that in a naive way I know

2:42

perfectly well what happens to people

2:43

you know you're doing fine in life and

2:45

then you get cancer and then 6 months

2:47

later you're dead and all the heroism in

2:49

the world isn't going to save you at

2:50

that point but that's not the point

2:53

that's not the point life is bounded by

2:56

mortality but that doesn't mean that you

2:57

don't get out there and contend and you

3:00

develop by contending and you minimize

3:02

the net amount of suffering in the world

3:04

and that's something man that's

3:05

something to

3:08

[Music]

3:10

do compare yourself to who you were

3:13

yesterday not to who someone else is

3:14

today because you need to have a a

3:17

hierarchy of improvement you need to be

3:19

aiming for something and that means

3:20

you're going to be lesser than people

3:21

who've always already attained along

3:23

that

3:25

Dimension so the question is who should

3:27

you defeat in the final analysis and the

3:29

answer is you should defeat your former

3:31

self you should be constantly trying to

3:32

do that and you're the right control for

3:34

yourself too because you're the one

3:36

who's had all your advantages and

3:38

disadvantages and so if you want to

3:39

compete fairly with someone then you

3:41

should be competing with you if you're

3:43

improving yourself then what you are

3:44

doing is competing with your lesser self

3:47

and then you might also ask well what is

3:48

that lesser self and that lesser self

3:50

would be resentful and bitter and

3:53

aggressive and Vengeance seeking and all

3:56

of those things that go along with

3:57

having a negative moral character and

3:59

those are things that interfere with

4:00

your ability to progress as you move

4:02

forward through life so it's very

4:05

necessary to understand that this is why

4:07

you know I've been stressing this idea

4:09

of personal responsibility it's like

4:11

well personal responsibility is to

4:13

compete with yourself is to be slightly

4:15

better than yourself the next

4:16

day and it's better in some way that you

4:19

can actually manage and that's humility

4:21

like well I'm a flawed person I've got

4:23

all my problems could I be as good as

4:26

person X it's like not the right

4:28

question the right question is could you

4:29

be slightly better tomorrow than your

4:31

currently flawed self and the answer to

4:33

that is if you have enough humility to

4:36

set the bar properly low then you could

4:39

be better tomorrow than you are today

4:41

and you might say well what's the right

4:43

way of being in the world if there is

4:45

such a thing and it's not acting

4:47

according to a set of rules it's

4:49

attempting continually to transcend the

4:51

flawed thing that you currently are and

4:53

what's so interesting about that is that

4:55

the meaning in life is to be found in

4:57

that Pursuit so I've been laying that

4:58

out in these disc discussions too

5:00

because I say well the the fundamental

5:02

issue is that life is tragic and

5:05

difficult very tragic and difficult for

5:07

everyone and it's also tainted by

5:09

malevolence because no matter how things

5:12

are tragic and difficult but there's

5:13

always some stupid thing that you could

5:15

do or someone else could do that could

5:16

make it even worse than it has to be and

5:18

so that's life and you need an antidote

5:20

to that because that can embitter you

5:23

constant contact with that just the

5:25

tragedy but the tragedy combined with

5:27

betrayal and malevolence that makes it

5:29

even worse especially if it's

5:31

self-induced okay so you need something

5:33

to set against that so you don't get

5:35

bitter and resentful what do you set

5:37

against that doing something worthwhile

5:40

by your own definition say you need some

5:42

reason to get the hell out of bed on a

5:43

terrible day because you've got

5:45

something good to do well what's the

5:46

best thing you can do transcend your

5:49

current wretched and miserable self

5:51

there's meaning to be found in that and

5:53

that's a meaning that's associated with

5:55

responsibility one of the things that

5:57

I've been trying to lay out clearly is

5:59

that

6:00

life is hard it's tainted by malevolence

6:03

and betrayal that can make you bitter

6:05

you need a meaning to offset that

6:06

where's the meaning to be

6:08

found not in rights not in impulsive

6:11

pleasure but in responsibility you take

6:13

responsibility for yourself so you take

6:15

care of yourself if you're good at it

6:17

you have some excess left over to take

6:18

care of your damn family if you're good

6:20

at both of those then you have some

6:21

excess left over to take care of your

6:23

community those are heavy burdens you

6:25

pick up the burdens you find that's

6:26

meaningful the best way to pick up the

6:28

burden is to Contin continually improve

6:30

yourself and that's where the meaning is

6:31

to be

6:33

found and so that meaning is in the

6:35

continual self Transcendence that's

6:37

letting your old self die and the new

6:39

self be

6:41

reborn even if things are going really

6:43

well for you now there's going to be a

6:45

time in the future where things are

6:46

rough you know you're going to be ill

6:48

family memb going to be ill a dream is

6:51

going to fall apart you're going to be

6:53

uncertain about your employment status

6:54

like the the flood is coming right the

6:56

apocalypse is coming it's always the

6:58

case in life and and you have to be

6:59

prepared for it and the question is how

7:01

to prepare for it and the answer to that

7:03

is to find a way of being that works

7:05

even under the direst of

7:08

circumstances you've got the possibility

7:10

to slowly raise yourself out of the Meer

7:13

you've got the the possibility to do

7:14

just what the fighter does when he's

7:16

defeated which is to say well regardless

7:19

of the circumstances that might have led

7:21

to my defeat like even if there were

7:23

errors on the part of the referee this

7:26

is no time to whine about it this is a

7:28

time to take stock of what I did wrong

7:30

so that I could improve it into the

7:31

future and that's the right

7:34

attitude the point is your best

7:36

strategic position is how am I

7:40

insufficient and how can I Rectify that

7:42

that's what you've got and the thing is

7:44

you are

7:45

insufficient and you could rectify it

7:48

both of those are within your grasp if

7:49

you aim low enough and I I don't mean

7:52

don't aim and I don't mean don't aim up

7:56

but you have to accept the fact that you

7:59

could you can set yourself a goal that

8:00

you can attain and there's not going to

8:02

be much glory in it to begin with

8:04

because if you're not in very good shape

8:06

the goal that you could attain tomorrow

8:08

isn't very glorious but it it's a hell

8:10

of a lot better than nothing and it

8:12

beats the hell out of bitterness and

8:13

it's way better than blaming someone

8:14

else it's way less dangerous and you

8:17

could do it and what's cool about it

8:19

it's one step on a very long journey and

8:22

it starts to Compound on you so a small

8:25

step today means puts you in a position

8:26

to take a slightly bigger step the next

8:29

and then that puts you in a position to

8:30

take a slightly bigger step the next day

8:32

and you do that for 2 or 3 years man

8:34

you're starting to

8:36

stride I don't know how many people have

8:38

come and told me it's so strange they

8:40

said well I started making my bed and

8:42

that made all the difference it's like

8:43

well yeah you decided to aim up man and

8:46

the first concrete instantiation of that

8:47

was that you made your bed and you think

8:49

well that's nothing heroic it's like no

8:51

but aiming up is heroic that's something

8:54

and then lowering yourself to the point

8:57

where you're not above the mess in your

8:59

room you know you're not superordinate

9:01

to that you lower yourself so that you

9:03

straighten up you you're grateful for

9:05

what you have right in front of you and

9:06

you take care of it you put it in order

9:08

it's like all of a sudden things start

9:09

to get better and one of the reasons

9:12

that audiences are responding to what

9:13

I've been saying in my lectures and what

9:15

I've been writing about is that I don't

9:17

tell people that they're okay the way

9:18

they are now I say no no you could be

9:20

way more than you are and they're

9:22

relieved about that you see because if

9:24

you're in a dark and terrible place and

9:27

someone says you're okay the way you are

9:28

then you don't know what to do about

9:30

that it's like no I'm not I'm having a

9:32

terrible time and I'm hopeless you're

9:34

okay the way you are well then what what

9:37

that's it that's where I am and what do

9:39

you want to tell a young person you're

9:41

17 you're okay the way you are it's like

9:43

no you're not you got 60 years to be

9:45

better and you could be way better you

9:47

could be incomparably better across

9:49

multiple dimensions and in pursuing that

9:51

better that's where you'll find the

9:53

meaning in your life and that will give

9:54

you the antidote to the suffering this

9:57

is the trick though you have to pay pick

9:59

a path of discipline whether what path

10:02

of discipline you have to pick is a

10:03

different issue so there could be a rule

10:05

the rule could be the rule might not be

10:08

follow this rule the rule might be you

10:11

have to follow some rules so it's a meta

10:14

Rule and The Meta rule is you have to

10:16

discipline yourself and the issue is

10:18

well how that's not really the relevant

10:20

question you can pick a disciplinary

10:22

path it's why I often tell my clients

10:24

especially young people they say well I

10:25

don't know what to do it's like that's

10:27

okay nobody does go do something do the

10:31

best thing that you can think of put the

10:33

best plan you have into practice it's

10:35

not going to be perfect and it will

10:36

change along the way but it will change

10:38

partly because you become disciplined

10:40

pursuing the path and as you become

10:42

disciplined you become wiser and as you

10:44

become wiser you become able to

10:45

formulate better and better plans so you

10:48

can start vaguely and confused and

10:50

develop a plan that's not so great and

10:52

you start to implement it and then you

10:53

you acre incremental wisdom as you

10:56

implement your flawed plan and that

10:58

enables you to fix the plan PL and so

11:00

that's part of that process of

11:01

incremental self-improvement as

11:04

well imagine you only got 100 you only

11:06

have $100,000 to go buy a

11:09

house and so you go by you go look at

11:11

this house and it's like Jesus this

11:13

house man it's like it needs a lot of

11:14

work it's like well that's all you've

11:16

got well are you going to pretend that

11:18

the house is okay the way it is or you

11:20

going to look for where it's rotten and

11:21

where the plumbing doesn't work and

11:23

where the stove doesn't work you have to

11:24

go and look and see where everything

11:26

needs to be fixed and that's like that

11:28

is Harsh man

11:29

and then in order to do that properly

11:31

someone has to have taught you it's look

11:33

you aren't your problems you're most

11:35

fundamentally that which if it confronts

11:38

its problems can solve them and that's

11:41

the hero myth in a in a in a nutshell by

11:43

the way the hero is the person who

11:45

confronts horrible chaotic potential and

11:47

tames it and makes something of it right

11:49

that's the that's the fundamental human

11:51

story but the problem is is that you

11:53

have to face what you don't want to face

11:54

in order to fix it so you look at all

11:56

the things about yourself that need to

11:58

be burned off that that need to be

11:59

dispensed with and that man especially

12:02

at the beginning especially if you're

12:03

screwed up that may be like 95% of you

12:06

it's not pleasant but if you know that

12:09

you're the thing that can transcend your

12:10

problems most fundamentally if you know

12:12

you're the thing that if it faces the

12:14

problems can transcend them then you

12:17

have the faith that would enable you to

12:18

take stock of who you

12:20

[Music]

12:22

are my daughter was very ill when she

12:25

was well when she was a kid but well

12:27

particularly when she was a teenager had

12:29

a very terrible time of it um she had

12:32

juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and when

12:34

she was between the ages of 14 and 16 it

12:36

first destroyed her hip which had to be

12:38

replaced and then it destroyed the ankle

12:40

on her other leg which had to be

12:43

replaced and she walked around for 2

12:45

years on broken legs and she was taking

12:48

massive doses of opiates and could

12:49

hardly stay awake and you know and as a

12:51

test of your faith there's almost

12:53

nothing that's more direct than a

12:56

serious illness inflicted upon an

12:58

innocent child right and so the chapter

13:01

is a meditation on that and also on well

13:04

what to do in a situation like that

13:06

because everyone is going to have a

13:08

situation like that in some sense you

13:09

know because you'll be faced with

13:11

illness in the people that you love and

13:13

in crisis and so it's a practical guide

13:16

to coping with those sorts of things

13:18

like and one of the things you do when

13:19

you're overwhelmed by crisis is you

13:22

shorten your time frame you know it's

13:24

like you can't think about next month

13:26

maybe you can't even bloody well think

13:27

about next week or maybe not even

13:29

tomorrow you know because now is just so

13:32

overwhelming that that's all there is

13:34

it's like and that's what you do you cut

13:36

your time frame back until you can cope

13:38

with it and if it's not the next week

13:40

that you see how to get through then

13:42

it's the next day and if it's not the

13:43

next day then it's the next hour and if

13:46

it's not the next hour then it's the

13:48

next minute and you know people are very

13:51

very very very tough and it turns out

13:54

that if you face

13:57

things it turns out that if you face

14:00

things that you can put up with a lot

14:01

more than you think you can put up with

14:03

and you can do it without becoming

14:05

corrupted you have to be alert when

14:07

you're suffering you have to be alert to

14:09

the beauty in life the unexpected Beauty

14:12

in life and you know you have to look

14:14

for those little bit of that little bit

14:17

of sparkling crystal in the darkness

14:20

when things are bad you have to look and

14:22

see where things are still beautiful and

14:24

where there's still something that's

14:26

sustaining and you know you narrow your

14:28

time frame and you'd be grateful for

14:31

what you have and that can get you

14:33

through some very dark times and maybe

14:36

even successfully if you're lucky but

14:38

even if unsuccessfully then maybe it's

14:40

only tragic and not absolute hell and

14:44

you can do that you know in the worst

14:46

situation you can make it only tragic

14:49

and not hell and there's a big gap

14:51

between tragedy and hell you know

14:53

there's nothing worse at a deathbed than

14:55

to see the people there

14:57

fighting the death is bad enough but you

15:00

can take that as terrible as it is and

15:02

make it into something that's absolutely

15:04

unbearable and maybe I think in this is

15:06

sort of what I closed the book with is

15:08

this idea is that if we didn't all

15:11

attempt to make Terrible Things even

15:13

worse than they are then maybe we could

15:15

tolerate the terrible things that we

15:17

have to put up with in order to exist

15:19

and maybe we could make the world into a

15:21

better

15:22

[Music]

15:27

place

15:33

it's a constant storm to try to figure

15:35

out what you're about and you change at

15:38

26 you're all about the hustle you're

15:39

going to be a billionaire this and that

15:41

and then you go to the bar one night and

15:42

you fall in love and it changes what you

15:44

care about right and then you have a

15:45

child and then this happens and then

15:47

that happens things change you just have

15:50

to always consistently try to figure out

15:52

what's driving you and not because other

15:54

people are watching and not because

15:56

that's what your dad wants and not that

15:58

because that's what you said was going

15:59

to happen and it doesn't look like it

16:01

and your family's going to judge you you

16:03

just have to be as real with yourself as

16:05

possible and that is a very difficult

16:07

struggle but when you're not you create

16:09

enormous vulnerability and

16:13

unhappiness truthful conversations

16:15

redeem people cuz if you come to a

16:18

clinical psychologist whose worth is

16:20

salt you have a truthful conversation

16:23

the conversation is well here's what's

16:25

wrong with my

16:27

life and here's what caused it you know

16:29

maybe it takes a year to have that

16:30

conversation and here's how it might be

16:33

fixed here's what a a beneficial future

16:35

might look like and so it's a completely

16:37

honest conversation if it's working well

16:39

and all that's happening in the

16:41

conversation is that the two people

16:42

involved are trying to make things

16:44

better that's the goal let's see if we

16:46

can have a conversation that will make

16:48

things better I think one of the factors

16:52

in the resistance to these ideas of

16:54

discipline and of taking responsibility

16:56

for yourself is people recognizing that

16:58

that they're not doing that in their own

17:00

lives and they get upset and instead of

17:02

looking internally they try to attack

17:04

the thing that's upsetting them they

17:07

they attack your message they attack the

17:10

philosophy behind it rather than look

17:12

internally and objectively and having

17:15

some sort of introspective point of view

17:17

where you go okay am I uh reacting to

17:19

this because this this resonates like

17:21

I'm I'm missing this aspect of my life

17:23

does this diminish me or is this guy

17:26

pointing something out that I can

17:27

benefit from very few people are willing

17:29

to do that very few people are willing

17:32

to take that critical moment to look at

17:35

their own behavior and look at their own

17:36

thought process and wonder if the actual

17:39

adverse reaction they have to this

17:40

person's message is because they know

17:43

that they're

17:45

wrong start the process of becoming much

17:48

more honest with yourself it will help

17:49

you make much better decisions and it

17:52

will help you in the long run it may not

17:54

taste as fun or as glamorous in the

17:57

short term but it will put you in a much

17:59

better

18:01

position stop doing the things that you

18:04

know are

18:05

wrong that you could stop

18:08

doing right so it's it's a fairly it's a

18:10

fairly limited attempt first of all

18:12

we're not going to say that you know

18:14

what the good is or what the truth is in

18:16

any ultimate sense but we will presume

18:18

that there are things that you're doing

18:20

that for one reason or another you know

18:21

are not in your best interests there's

18:23

something about them that you just know

18:25

you should stop they're kind of

18:26

self-evident to you other things you're

18:28

going to be doubtful about you're not

18:30

going to know which way is up and which

18:32

way is

18:33

down but there are things that you're

18:35

doing that you know you shouldn't do now

18:37

some of those you won't stop doing for

18:39

whatever reason you don't have the

18:41

discipline or maybe there's a secondary

18:42

payoff or you don't believe it's

18:44

necessary or it's too much of a

18:45

sacrifice or you're angry or resentful

18:48

or or afraid who

18:51

knows but there's another subset that

18:53

you could stop doing it might be a

18:55

little thing well that's fine stop doing

18:57

it and see what happens and what'll

19:00

happen is your vision will clear a

19:02

little bit and then something else will

19:04

pop up that you will also know you

19:06

should stop doing and that you could

19:08

stop

19:09

doing and you could do that repeatedly

19:12

for for an indefinite period of time and

19:15

and you know that doesn't necessarily

19:17

mean that you're going to ever be able

19:19

to formulate a clear and final picture

19:22

of what constitutes the truth and the

19:24

good but it does mean that you'll be

19:26

able to continually move away from

19:28

what's untruth and what's bad and you

19:31

know that's not a bad

19:38

start discipline it does start with

19:42

waking up early it really

19:45

does but that is just the

19:48

beginning discipline is the root of all

19:51

good

19:53

qualities but you have to absolutely

19:57

apply it to things outside of just

20:01

waking up early it's it's everything

20:03

it's working out every day making

20:05

yourself stronger and faster and more

20:08

flexible and

20:10

healthier it's about disciplining your

20:13

emotions so you can make good decisions

20:16

it's about doing the tasks that you

20:18

don't necessarily want to do but that

20:21

you know we'll help you and that's what

20:24

discipline is discipline means taking

20:26

the Hard Road the uphill Road to do

20:29

what's

20:36

right