
“Of all creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred that is weaker than man.”
There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
A man who has been through bitter experiences and travelled far enjoys even his sufferings after a time”
“Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier;
I have seen worse sights than this.”
“My name is Nobody.”
― Homer, The Odyssey
And empty words are evil.”
“Take courage, my heart: you have been through worse than this. Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this.”
“out of sight,out of mind”
“Immortals are never alien to one another.”
“Say not a word in death's favor; I would rather be a paid servant in a poor man's house and be above ground than king of kings among the dead." -Achilles”
A narcissist does not exist in reality.
They exist in polar opposites of their very faulty perceived reality. They are worthless, feel intense shame about themselves, are pathologically jealous/envious, etc. Or they are God’s gift to man. Beautiful, brilliant, so kind and amazing. The first, is what they internally feel. Scars of the trauma they experienced in childhood and how exactly they came to internalize and process it. How they came to feel such intense shame about it. The second, is due to a defense mechanism of the mind: narcissism. As a result of feeling worthless, they self-soothe by thinking themselves to be omnipotent and godlike, and then finding external validation to prove that to themselves through getting ‘supply’. They are neither worthless nor godlike, but they have an incredibly hard time existing in the grey area. They think in black and white in this way, and they especially FEEL black and white in this way. All attached to the ego and their sense of self-identity and self-worth.
Their perceived reality in these two senses connects to whole object relations and object constancy. I guess it is up to opinion or maybe fact, if the chicken or the egg comes first if you will, but it fundamentally shapes how they see reality. They internally feel they are worthless, or they convince themselves they are amazing. I am a firm believer that you are the creator of your reality and how you come to perceive your internal reality is how you come to perceive the world. In the case of a narcissist, they in turn see things and people as ‘all bad’ and ‘all good’. They see actions through the lens of how it affects their ego. Their ego related feelings become their reality.
So in essence, if you come to slight them in anyway, they are triggered. You have caused them narcissistic injury, directly relating to how they perceive themselves (a reflection of the ego). A narcissistic injury causes them to feel worthless. Or at least feel more in line with the ‘real self’ that they are protecting from shame. They must throw that shame off of them. Their reality is now entirely based in keeping themselves safe from it. It is now entirely their world, and you are living in it (as if it wasn’t already). And they are entitled and grandiose enough to actually believe that. I think that might derive from a lack of empathy and the object relations thing mentioned earlier. They only perceive and feel for their own self, discounting anything else. The world is basically them and a bunch of cardboard cutouts.
To keep themselves safe from that shame, they use what we describe in these posts. Projection, deflection, denial, gaslighting, minimalizing the situation, invalidating your feelings, lying, etc. If none of that works, rage. They must leave the situation feeling justified in their actions, however that comes to be. They must deflect that shame. If it means creating a reality completely incongruent with everyone else's? So be it.
The short answer is they just refuse to take accountability for any wrong doing. They are perfect flawless beings so everything is your fault. It’s quite brilliant! In life sometimes I wish I could be like that.
My narcy education has shown that narcissistic “reality” is subject to manipulation. “Reality” is whatever the narc wants it to be! True illusionists and magicians!
They have an uncanny ability to detect and exploit the traits of honesty, decency, and self reflection. They understand these traits but do not use them.
They exploit these qualities through gaslighting. They teach people to deny thier own reality and replace it with whatever reality they choose for the situation.
SUPER LONGER ANSWER
The longer answer, in my humble opinion, has to do with narcy and their perception of “reality.”
In their reality everything they do is warranted and correct. If the outcome of the decision they made is negative, someone or something else is responsible. They find a way to manipulate reality by any means to maintain innocence.
Narcy also grooms others to be hypersensitive to how they feel. They teach you to prioritize their feeling on any subject and to invalidate your own. I believe this is why it is so hard to leave them. Gaslighting.
EXAMPLES
If they get a hang nail it’s your fault because you did not book them a manicure with yours.
Even tho they never asked you for a mani. You are supposed to read their mind and book it because they told you they had a problem. Narc thinks you don’t care about them. It’s all about them. (Legit happened and I felt guilty
They know you are honest and self reflect. Therefore, if something goes “wrong” you will want to try to repair the “mistake you made”In other words placate then and make them happy by accepting their reality as yours!
You were innocently getting a mani but now your the worst person in the world! How could you not include them when they told you last night they had a hang nail!
REALITY ISSUES
In your reality you have a monogamous relationship with your partner and cheating is a deal breaker. Loyalty is part of your moral core and you took vows and agreed to this with your partner.
One day your ex from junior high innocently posts happy birthday on your Instagram….
NARC REALITY
In narcs reality you are friends with your ex and even tho narcy never said it was a problem, you made a critical error. You caused a narc injury. You made him “feel” lack of control or jealousy.
Covert style narcissists will not discuss this with you. This type will just take action to make themselves feel better (betray you) behind your back.
In narcy “reality” you and your ex must be hooking up in secret. So narcy was just following your lead hooking up with ALL AVAILABLE insta friends.
When you find out about all the cheating and confront the narc they blame the birthday message from your ex. Narc reality states they were “just following your lead”
BEWILDERMENT/COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
They know that you are honest and self reflect so you will feel bad and think that it might have been inappropriate that your ex messaged you…
In your reality you both took the vows and have a monogamous moral core right???? You ask the narc desperately why did you not talk to me? I never even saw that message! Your so focused on how the narc feels you fail to see how ridiculous this is!
You have repeatedly been pulled into the crazy “narc reality” so much you can’t see the actual reality! They start off with small things so you never see it coming!
In the mind of the narc your ex messaging you is a hall pass to cheat! But it’s all your fault!!! Your such a terrible person now beg for the narc for forgiveness
The toxic, manipulate people who self reflect to get their way and blame someone else! Self reflection is a wonderful trait that toxic people choose to ignore in themselves. They are immature emotionally stunted people.
What I think narcy really feels is jealousy, insecurity, and lack of control over you and those who talk to you.
The cheating is a way to punish you but also make narcy feel better by allowing themselves to have meaningless sex.
I believe they are selfish and want to cheat anyways they are just manipulating to get their way. Unfortunately you pay the price as they dump all their shame on you like it’s your fault! Toxic ass hell. I have felt with this on several levels not just romantic! BEWARE!
I realized I have no idea who this person was or what the heck was going on upstairs! Don’t even try to discuss it with them either or you will just get dragged into toxic land even further. I tried my whole life dealing with toxic people they just steal you peace and joy and then fill you with negativity and shame.
MY THEORY
Toxic people gaslight themselves and replace true reality with whatever suits them at the time. Beware of this, they take advantage of others who are looking for outside validation. I have found that I must be securely rooted in my own reality and not open for illusions!
Narcissists and toxic people look for people who seek external validation. They are more than willing to validate and replace your reality with theirs which is filled with negativity and shame! Do not be the recycling container for toxic people.
My goal is to recognize the toxic and to not open up to get dumped on. I do not want their shame. I will no longer allow myself to be dragged into their “reality.” My Mother does this which is why I believe I tend be attracted to toxic people.
The toxic have a goal to feel power and control. They look for people who are open to be controlled (blindly trusting) and that need validation from outside themselves. They also want you to recycle all the negativity and shame they carry.
ALMOST DONE
Perspective on reality is crucial for a healthy life. I honestly feel sorry for disordered people. Toxicity is on a spectrum we all have toxic traits. I believe all people have a responsibility to self reflect for real!
Disordered toxic people think the worst scenario possible and retaliate in the most destructive ways! I believe they think everyone is as devious and paranoid as them. They live in an alternate “reality.” This is not an excuse to abuse. They behave when they have to which is acknowledgement of consequences.
They know they are wrong and they choose to gaslight themselves. It’s all about them, they crave the feeling of power and control which is an illusion.
The have a deep need to release all thier shame and negativity they hold inside. Unfortunately it goesout into people who will care for them! It is part of the disorder so I am trying not to take it personal. I choose to be more aware and observe not absorb the frequency.
I have family, friends, ex husband, and children with the narc infection. I am by no means perfect, I am working on myself as well. I have a high tolerance for abuse and ignore red flags too. I want to believe in the good I see in people.
They cannot even see all the loving beautiful souls in their lives as people. They see recycle containers for shame. Once they have filled the container and the shame starts to spill out, they can see it. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they go out and find an empty container to fill. I choose to be full of positive, loving energy and only open for people on that frequency.
Thank you for posting this question. I have been blessed with the ability to release this from my soul. I hope it will help others. Thank you if you read all of it, super long
“The creation of genius always seem like miracles, because they are, for the most part, crated far out of the reach of observation.”
― Homer, The Odyssey